Do you want to play Pearl Harbour?

After what feels like years of tinsel and plastic trees, it’s finally suitable to start the festivities. Christmas is here and for once, it’s actually snowing. Despite what every Rom Com and Dickens novel out there would have you believe; a “White Christmas” is pretty rare. In Australia its summer and Santa sweats his ass off delivering presents in 100 degree heat every year so we can count ourselves pretty lucky if the white stuff sticks around for a few more days.

The view from our front window actually resembles a Christmas card. It’s a lot like King Wenceslas looking out on the feast of Steven except instead of a feast there is a frozen dog turd and instead of deep, crisp, even snow there is an inch or two of grey slush. That said it still looks pretty cool.

Unfortunately ten minutes after you set foot in the winter wonder land the negative affects of snow become all too apparent. For a start snow is really fucking cold; until now I really didn’t realize how much I enjoy having warm feet. I lack adequate clothing for the Everest like conditions we are currently faced with and so each day I pile on 3 t shirts, 3 pairs of socks and two hoodies. I am running out of clothes. Added to this, snow makes travel of any kind near impossible. Cars skid, Trains and flights are cancelled and walking anywhere becomes a 3 hour expedition. Having failed my driving test twice recently I find walking a particularly bitter experience at the minute. I hobble along the ice muttering and swearing to myself about how fantastic a driver I am. Imagine an elderly alcoholic Jenson Button and you’ll get the idea.

Anyway enough moaning, food has been brilliant recently. The rents took me for a birthday meal the other day and it was the most satisfied I have been since I last thought about Blair from Gossip Girl. I gleefully sucked the guts out of a king prawn that was so big it could beat up a lobster. On top of that I then had a Christmas dinner with my friends. Turkey, roasties, (both potatoes and turnips) mash, yorkshire puddings, veggies, pigs in blankets, stuffing, mince pies, Yule log,chocolate, a cheese bored, and THREE types of cream. We had the lot; in fact we lacked nothing apart from clothes and that only added to the fun.

Moist man of the moment: Ray Mears for his snow survival skills (The second time he has received the prestigious award)

Foodometer: 10/10 - fucking massive Prawn

Woozilla: 1/10 I am about as attractive as the plague. It might have something to do with my wooing techniques…..

Chat up line of the day:

Jack: Do you want to play pearl harbour?
Jill: What is it?
Jack: Well I lay down and you blow the hell out of me (Thanks potty mouth)