Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr Elton John

It has been a long time since I last wrote. For this I apologise. Christmas is always a busy blur of eating, family and alcohol and this year was no different. I have also been prevented from updating by a particularly aggressive computer virus, a virus which was almost certainly caused by the huge volume of pornography flowing through my computer’s electrical veins. With one laptop dying from computer syphilis I have been forced to use my old laptop, ‘Pornputer’ for day to day activates. Pornputer was christened after I received a brand spanking new laptop as part of a government grant. The idea was that the new expensive computer would stay virtuous and work hard, while Pornputer would be a horrible slut of a laptop that whored its way around the internet and stored videos of naked ladies. Unfortunately, one fateful night the temptation of seeing ‘Hot Blonde gets a mouth full’ in a higher resolution was too great. Did the expensive glossy new computer have Norton internet security?

Of course it didn’t.

The rest, as they say, is history. Ironically Pornputer has ploughed on regardless. It must use some kind of extra thick internet condom because it survives even the most outrageous short movies. Christmas has been pretty great in general. I have almost entirely avoided working on my dissertation and I have seen a lot of friends and family. New Years Eve was a bit of let down, but when isn’t it? Everyone stands around a clock or a television and waits for twelve. I’m not trying to be a party pooper or a poor sport but twelve o’clock happens twice a day. It’s like each year we wait to see if the world will explode at the strike of midnight. To our surprise it doesn’t and so we all go home disappointed. I’m probably just being a moody little bastard because there were no ladies around to woo. We ended up in the most horrendous pub trying not to make eye contact with the drunk, overweight, middle aged women on the prowl. At midnight I was left to think about how at that exact moment, just about every girl I ever fancied or ever would was probably tongue deep in some other guy. It all comes down to being in the right place at the right time and I was probably as far from the right place as was physically possible. I wouldn’t feel too sorry for me though, I watched a whole lot of very high quality television over the Christmas period. ‘Muppet Christmas Carol’ and ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ are my personal favourites for the festive season but I’m always open to new and exiting ways to avoid seeing the Queens Speech or the Corrie Christmas special.

Woozilla 1/10 A drunk older women took a shine to me…… she was about 20 stone and had brown teeth.

Moist man of the moment: Beaker from the Muppets

Drunkometer: 8/10 Christmas has left me with pickled insides.

Moistometer 9/10 all that bloody snow and it didn’t stick around long enough for a White Christmas!