Born For It

OK OK I’m sorry. I’ve been a little distracted of late and for a number of reasons Moist has taken a back seat. If you can find it in your hearts to forgive me and continue reading I will try to explain why I’ve been such a terrible non blogging bastard.


Moist‘s Movements

Leaving university is a rather strange process. You spend the whole last term cursing the fact that you have exams and then once their over you pack your bags and fuck off home. That’s if you’re most people. I took an entirely less sensible approach. Boozing was rather high on my list of priorities, as were BBQ’s and watching the football. Somewhere further down the list, below sitting outside in the rain smoking, was revision. It certainly made my term exciting and I don’t think I could have partied any harder without causing a severe failure in either my exams or internal organs. This rather disproportionate focus on socialising was reflected in my last set of results. However, being the super genius that I am I still managed to get a 2.1 and have now returned home joining the millions of other graduates in search of jobs this summer.
It said on the news the other day that there are 60 graduates for every post- grad position in Britain. It’s a daunting statistic for anyone but its worse if you can’t decide what you want to do, and worse still if you’d rather sit at home and eat an eight pack of twister lollies. Having strolled round the job centre perusing the pamphlets it became clear that my skill set is not particularly suited to many jobs.

The saying goes that you can be a Jack of all trades and a master of none, now I’m quite bad at a lot of things; spelling for example, so I’m definitely not Jack. On the other hand I can’t really think of anything that I’m a master of. Which I think, makes me a ....Moist of some trades?

Sensing that there weren’t many jobs available for a Moist of some trades during a recession I decided to get my act together, take a step back and make a list of things to do with the aim of becoming a master of ... a trade.

Things to do list

. Get a job
. Pass my driving test
. Get married
. get a place to live
. watch The Wire

It took me a day or two of staring, gormless at my list before I realized that all of the goals are linked to one another. If I pass my driving test I will be able to drive further to different jobs becoming more employable in the process. Once I have a job then I will be able to earn money to get a place to live. Once I have a place to live I’ll be able to woo ladies more effectively and then once I’m married I will have someone to watch The Wire with.

So with the plan firmly established and another driving test booked all I needed to do now decide on a career path.

I successfully attempted to bake my first cake the other day. It was an achievement that led me to believe I was almost definitely born to bake. My wild assumption was supported by the discovery that I had a great grandfather who baked. I really like the idea of keeping family traditions going and baking is clearly a skill that has been passed down to me genetically because those who ate my feathery soft Victoria sponge unfailingly declared it to be the “single greatest moment of taste sensation” they had ever experienced. Well sort of. My mum sort of choked it down with a grin on her face and said “well done.” whilst trying not to cough it back up. If I’m going to I follow in my families footsteps then I really have to be a builder. For centuries Moist’s on my dad’s side have been building houses, offices, schools and shit. Maybe I was born to build? Unfortunately after a brief experiment with a patio it became apparent that I lack the practical skills, hand eye coordination and such to hammer nails or cut wood in a straight line. Another disadvantage I have is that I’m far too muscular to be a builder. As we all know builders need to be scrawny and thin, and that’s just not me...I’m pretty sure a load of my family met a sticky ends so perhaps it’s better if I start making my own footsteps instead of stepping into theirs.

I was just about running out of hope for a job when I found the perfect occupation. It turns out I was born for benefits. Job seekers allowance is ideal. It’s like a challenge to see how long I can procrastinate for and I really am a master of procrastination. I decided that I could become a master of the dole. So today I officially started claiming job seekers and from now on all I have to do is look into getting a job and the government pays me, Suckers! It’s freed up so much time that I have been able to watch two seasons of The Wire. That’s one target crossed off the Things to do list.

Actually screw Job seekers I want to go to Baltimore and become an undercover cop.