The Gap In My Teeth

First off I want to address a rather pressing issue. Having recently told a number of friends that my motto is, ‘I never trust a man unless I’ve touched his penis,’ I’d like to point out now that this does not apply to women.

The saying came into being after an intimate night in the south of Spain when a group of my (male) buddies decided that true friends could feel comfortable platonically cupping each other’s genitalia. It was an emotionally charged evening of booze, brotherhood and extreme manliness. So as you can imagine it was mortifying to discover that at least three close female friends have taken my motto in completely the wrong way; thinking that they can touch men, quite literally, Willy-nilly. Well ladies, you’ve got it all wrong!

The Moist household has been inundated with a series of crazes in recent weeks; from religiously watching How I Met You’re Mother to perfecting my salsa recipe, but three in particular have given me the most pleasure.

1. Season a housemate

When you feel a little bored there is nothing better for brightening your day than sneaking up on a housemate with a pepper grinder and seasoning their head. I managed to get MEH this morning. Tomorrow I’ll try to get him with the salt as well, the day after that.... Basil.

2. Bonsai

That’s right; in an effort to become more culturally varied I have taken up the Japanese art of growing miniature trees. I read about them the other day and so the next time I went to Tesco I bought a little pot plant and hacked half the leaves off. The Japanese say it takes years of cultivation before the mini trees are perfect, but what do they know. I managed to cut mine down to size and I only bought it a week ago.

3. Belly Scratching

Less of a hobby this, but still terrifically satisfying, nearly every day I insist my good friend Lucy comes over and scratches my belly like I’m a dog. It’s very relaxing and she gets to feel useful.


In summary I am keeping myself occupied.

After murdering someone, or taking their last Rolo, the worst thing you can do to a person is punish them for liking you. It’s something we all do, but I have a feeling I’m particularly bad. Sometimes, when I think about it, I sit and cringe at how much I take my family for granted. It’s one of those feelings that make you go bright red from embarrassment even though the event was ages ago.

“Moist, do you want to go out for dinner with Nana and Grandpa one day this week? Their getting a Chinese feast, me and dad will try to get some time after work, it will be really nice to get the family together!”

“Ah sorry, I’m pretty busy sitting around with the guys and talking about boobs this week, maybe some other time, yeah?”

It really is a grade-A shit of a thing to do, when all my family want to do is spend time with me. I did exactly the same thing to my ex girlfriend.

“Moist, do you want to make dinner and stay in with a movie tonight?”

“Um, yeah sure, but I’ll invite P-Dizzle and the guys as well, wouldn’t want it get boring.”

It haunts me to remember the look on her face as she died inside, (In fairness, dinner and a movie did get a bit boring sometimes) but it’s a sad fact of life is that once you know someone thinks you’re amazing you stop caring what they think. I am currently attempting to address the balance.