The Good, The Cute, and the Ugly

If, like me, you have an ego with the tendency to balloon so far out of control that the rubber discolours and it’s no longer possible to tie a knot in the end, then you’re never too far from an abrupt deflation. Having spent every ounce of modesty at my disposal writing this blog from a likable perspective, I feel obliged to let you in on the truth. I hold an incredibly high opinion of myself. Think Christ, but better looking and you’re just about spot on my self-estimation. Now that’s out of the bag I can disclose the details of Saturday night without risk of empathy or sympathy of any kind.

I’ve recently given up on a long standing dream of a successful political career and currently feel a fresh freedom to disclose all the sordid stories that may have caused scandal for a future Prime Minister. Just over a week ago I regained consciousness in an unfamiliar room. This alone, was not all that remarkable. The two unusual components of my morning were first that I woke up in a bed rather than on a cold, hard, floor and second that I was accompanied in said bed, by a beautiful lady. Also present, was the all too familiar, dull thumping ache on the left side of my face. A symptom that unfailingly informs me a vast quantity of alcohol was consumed the previous night. Hangover aside, waking up in bed with a half naked lady is the ultimate achievement isn’t it? Well actually, the reality doesn’t quite live up to the dream. Scrambling around a room in the buff, desperately trying to find underwear with a stranger watching isn’t very Daniel Craig. It’s not even Daniel Radcliff.

After being informed we had not had intercourse I left with renewed confidence in my ability to woo. If I could do it so smashed I couldn’t remember, then surly I would be even more capable fairly sober. Saturday night was the pin prick my ego so badly needed. We went to our local club and straight off I walked up to the hottest, happiest girl I could find and said,

“Hey, do I know you?”

Her broad grin disappeared immediately,

“No.”

“Oh....right ... bye,” and off I went.

I accept the ‘do I know you?’ line is cheesy and also very obviously a line, but I really did think I knew her. Ok I didn’t but she was six or seven sorts of hot. In my defence she seemed disproportionately angry, I mean, I didn’t stab her! Not one to give up about half an hour later with my buddies in toe I bumped into another girl I knew. This time I actually did know them and wasn’t just trying to convince myself that I did in order to start a conversation. I would even go as far as to say I fancied her a bit. So when I made eye contact, said,

“Hi,” and started walking over, only for her to turn 180 degrees and gallop away I was left a little crushed. (Picture a balloon careering around the room making a fart noise as air rushes out of the bottom.) Then someone called me cute... Revolting.

In other news....

Today one of my housemates, Seth, returned from a mysterious absence. He refuses to tell us what he's been up to. Where did he go? What did he do? .....The investigation begins.