If, like me, you have an ego with the tendency to balloon so far out of control that the rubber discolours and it’s no longer possible to tie a knot in the end, then you’re never too far from an abrupt deflation. Having spent every ounce of modesty at my disposal writing this blog from a likable perspective, I feel obliged to let you in on the truth. I hold an incredibly high opinion of myself. Think Christ, but better looking and you’re just about spot on my self-estimation. Now that’s out of the bag I can disclose the details of Saturday night without risk of empathy or sympathy of any kind.
I’ve recently given up on a long standing dream of a successful political career and currently feel a fresh freedom to disclose all the sordid stories that may have caused scandal for a future Prime Minister. Just over a week ago I regained consciousness in an unfamiliar room. This alone, was not all that remarkable. The two unusual components of my morning were first that I woke up in a bed rather than on a cold, hard, floor and second that I was accompanied in said bed, by a beautiful lady. Also present, was the all too familiar, dull thumping ache on the left side of my face. A symptom that unfailingly informs me a vast quantity of alcohol was consumed the previous night. Hangover aside, waking up in bed with a half naked lady is the ultimate achievement isn’t it? Well actually, the reality doesn’t quite live up to the dream. Scrambling around a room in the buff, desperately trying to find underwear with a stranger watching isn’t very Daniel Craig. It’s not even Daniel Radcliff.
After being informed we had not had intercourse I left with renewed confidence in my ability to woo. If I could do it so smashed I couldn’t remember, then surly I would be even more capable fairly sober. Saturday night was the pin prick my ego so badly needed. We went to our local club and straight off I walked up to the hottest, happiest girl I could find and said,
“Hey, do I know you?”
Her broad grin disappeared immediately,
“No.”
“Oh....right ... bye,” and off I went.
I accept the ‘do I know you?’ line is cheesy and also very obviously a line, but I really did think I knew her. Ok I didn’t but she was six or seven sorts of hot. In my defence she seemed disproportionately angry, I mean, I didn’t stab her! Not one to give up about half an hour later with my buddies in toe I bumped into another girl I knew. This time I actually did know them and wasn’t just trying to convince myself that I did in order to start a conversation. I would even go as far as to say I fancied her a bit. So when I made eye contact, said,
“Hi,” and started walking over, only for her to turn 180 degrees and gallop away I was left a little crushed. (Picture a balloon careering around the room making a fart noise as air rushes out of the bottom.) Then someone called me cute... Revolting.
In other news....
Today one of my housemates, Seth, returned from a mysterious absence. He refuses to tell us what he's been up to. Where did he go? What did he do? .....The investigation begins.
Monday, 8 February 2010
Thursday, 4 February 2010
I got dis
So.... where to begin? I have finished exams and handed in my coursework, time for a little bit of R and R. Unfortunately I did less resting and more drinking, a relaxing activity in moderation but I think that half a bottle of whisky and god know what else is a tad over the recomended daily intake. (In fact I fear that it is more than the weekly allowance.) Well that was last night, and this morning, I am imobalized, it feels like contracting the plauge. My skin feels like paper bags and my mouth tastes of synthetic fruit.
Plans for the day.
construct a sausage sandwitch. (done)
Make a hang over nest.
. two sofas pushed together.
. everything soft.
I probably should explain my earlier intoxicated entry. It all started when we watched Tottenham vs Leeds. Obviously the best team won and so, Prince The B dawg, MEH, Blunt and I set out on an expadition to the union with a skip in our step. (Pete joined us but he supports disgusting Leeds so he was ...down beat.) Things got messy fast and there were many casualties. As each of my fellow explorers were picked off by alcohol poisoning and bouncers I became icolated.
Having only recently woo-ed a lady on a night out I felt good about myself. Tonight was going terribly though, no females and no friends in sight. Then an interesting development. I found a lady that liked Garth Mareghi's dark place. (infact she was one of the zombies i met at haloweeen.) This was the second time I have ever fallen in love. Doing impressions of Garth Marenghi characters; brilliant impressions at that, didn't endear her to me instantly but surely a prelonged effort would win her over. It was around about the time of my third Dean Learner quote that I saw the girl that liked "The Who" from ages ago. I abandoned my new love to chase after her. It's a bit hazy but then somehow, they were both getting with other people..... Sluts! Its sort of like that fable about the dog with the meat in his mouth that see's a bigger bit of meat in his reflection. Then drops the meat into the water or something like that. What I'm trying to say is, I dropped my meat. What is a night club other than a cattle market?
On the way home I felt the need to call or text everyone I know, much to their displeasure. I'm sure once my hangover is gone I will be embarrassed about my phone calls and terrible dancing but I just can't bring myself to care about it now.
Its taken me four hours of sitting watching Hornblower and having chips thrown at me to write this, and its terrible.
As a result of last nights boozing and some rather unwise wagers Pete has to 'nosh off ' Blunt. I'm not sure if it's a sight I'm looking forward to or dreading.
as they say in Hornblower "The wine was in and the wit was out"
Hangoverzilla: 8/10
woozilla 5/10
drunkdactyl 9/10
Moist Man of the moment. Niko Krancjar
Plans for the day.
construct a sausage sandwitch. (done)
Make a hang over nest.
. two sofas pushed together.
. everything soft.
I probably should explain my earlier intoxicated entry. It all started when we watched Tottenham vs Leeds. Obviously the best team won and so, Prince The B dawg, MEH, Blunt and I set out on an expadition to the union with a skip in our step. (Pete joined us but he supports disgusting Leeds so he was ...down beat.) Things got messy fast and there were many casualties. As each of my fellow explorers were picked off by alcohol poisoning and bouncers I became icolated.
Having only recently woo-ed a lady on a night out I felt good about myself. Tonight was going terribly though, no females and no friends in sight. Then an interesting development. I found a lady that liked Garth Mareghi's dark place. (infact she was one of the zombies i met at haloweeen.) This was the second time I have ever fallen in love. Doing impressions of Garth Marenghi characters; brilliant impressions at that, didn't endear her to me instantly but surely a prelonged effort would win her over. It was around about the time of my third Dean Learner quote that I saw the girl that liked "The Who" from ages ago. I abandoned my new love to chase after her. It's a bit hazy but then somehow, they were both getting with other people..... Sluts! Its sort of like that fable about the dog with the meat in his mouth that see's a bigger bit of meat in his reflection. Then drops the meat into the water or something like that. What I'm trying to say is, I dropped my meat. What is a night club other than a cattle market?
On the way home I felt the need to call or text everyone I know, much to their displeasure. I'm sure once my hangover is gone I will be embarrassed about my phone calls and terrible dancing but I just can't bring myself to care about it now.
Its taken me four hours of sitting watching Hornblower and having chips thrown at me to write this, and its terrible.
As a result of last nights boozing and some rather unwise wagers Pete has to 'nosh off ' Blunt. I'm not sure if it's a sight I'm looking forward to or dreading.
as they say in Hornblower "The wine was in and the wit was out"
Hangoverzilla: 8/10
woozilla 5/10
drunkdactyl 9/10
Moist Man of the moment. Niko Krancjar
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
woo?
Right the first thing you have to understand is that I am really drunk!
Itsetg abouit 7 hours since I failed my drving test again and I am not a happy bunny. If I was sober I WOULD tell you lll a halerious story about how it went but I'm not so..... you are gonna have to put up with the ramblings of a mad man. I sholudl remind you sober MOUST tht you should keep this as a reminder of the bad times when the good times come around.. sOO What happened toniufgr was a bit of a disaster; i met this lady that had the same favourite tv show as me (garth marenghis dark place)_ and i was totally wooing her, and then I met this other girl, and i was totes wooing her too cos i met her before and we talked about THE WHO, so we were all dancing and they both got with other people oiur ratoios I can t beliece it to be gair!
qwwoozilla 2 /10
OH NO!
Itsetg abouit 7 hours since I failed my drving test again and I am not a happy bunny. If I was sober I WOULD tell you lll a halerious story about how it went but I'm not so..... you are gonna have to put up with the ramblings of a mad man. I sholudl remind you sober MOUST tht you should keep this as a reminder of the bad times when the good times come around.. sOO What happened toniufgr was a bit of a disaster; i met this lady that had the same favourite tv show as me (garth marenghis dark place)_ and i was totally wooing her, and then I met this other girl, and i was totes wooing her too cos i met her before and we talked about THE WHO, so we were all dancing and they both got with other people oiur ratoios I can t beliece it to be gair!
qwwoozilla 2 /10
OH NO!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
